“As a man matures, he also learns that he may be giving up himself, but his major change is becoming more aware of how he can succeed in giving. Likewise, as a woman matures, she also learns new strategies for giving, but her major change tends to be learning to set limits in order to receive what she wants.” – John Gray
For heterosexual couples, the age difference in relationships still raises eyebrows and stirs a huge deal of gossip. Albeit all hot couples have a huge age difference, be it George and Amal Clooney or Beyoncé and Jay Z and the couple that stole limelight at Met Gala, Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively. In this article, let’s navigate the emotions and reasons for a significant age difference in relationships.
Typically, women who consent to be with older men are seen as ‘gold diggers’ or thought to have ‘daddy issues’ whereas men who prefer younger women are assumed to go after them for lust. Egregious claims have been made; empirical evidence was given based on the subconscious mating preferences but the truth about such age-gap relationships is that much like any other relationship, it is also based on mutual benefit. The trade-off might be different than any other same-age relationship.
Now you might wonder if money is not the reason, then why any woman in her sane mind would prefer to be with a man who is significantly older than her? A study conducted by Buunk, Dijkstra, Kenrick, and Warntjes in 2001 suggests that preferences for a partner’s age change according to the level of involvement i.e., short-term versus long-term mating aspirations. Considering the social exchange theory, the stronger the desire for a long-term relationship, the more partners would desire to have an intense relationship involving all the dynamics. Now if you imagine a woman in her 20s considering a same-age relationship, there is so much uncertainty involved in the relationship that it always keeps the woman wondering if the guy is looking for a casual relationship or something permanent. The choices related to the career of a same-age partner might not be clear, and may also struggle with making mature decisions or even holding conversations that might keep the woman hooked or interested in the relationship for long. Nowadays people become intimate on the first date. The relationship may fizzle unless you have something more than one-night stands. Women, like men, also crave intimacy, but they also want someone who is interested in their thoughts. The older man appreciates nice company and conversation. While they are looking for a sensual relationship, they are more interested in finding someone with whom they can bond over coffee. The power imbalance and expertise in a relationship with a large age gap make it appealing for the woman to pursue it, this does not mean that the older men expect utter obedience or maintain the upper hand. Older men, on the other hand, are more compassionate and allow you to develop your potential and express yourself freely. The older partner has more clarity about life, and what he wants from the relationship and is more mature, confident, and has life experiences that are significantly more than the same-age partner. The need to feel secure is one of the biggest reasons for the attraction to an older man, though it’s not about how much is in the bank. Moreover, a woman’s desire for an older male stem from both evolutionary and social factors as well which are much more complicated and deep-rooted than any other thing defined.
The next psychological claim for such preferences is that the woman has daddy issues, unresolved trauma, or an unhealthy relationship with her father. A study conducted in 2016 determined why certain women desired an older man as a spouse. When the age gap is more than ten years, people think it’s an unhealthy relationship with the father. This study sought to test or disprove this hypothesis, and they discovered that it is not a fair stereotype because the statements are false. 44 of the 173 participants in this study were dating guys who were at least a decade older than them. The majority of these ladies had good father-daughter ties and didn’t need to seek solace or a father-daughter relationship with an older male. Interestingly, about 75% of the women indicated they didn’t want a father figure, but would rather be in the company of an older man to feel safe. If the father was a good role model for the younger women when they were younger, the maturity level they saw in him as they grew up gives them comfort in their relationship.
A healthy, fulfilling, and loving relationship can exist between two people of any age difference. Regardless of whether there are ulterior motives or one of the parties has trauma or childhood conflicts, many couples have solid unions that can withstand societal scrutiny. Sure, there are couples in which a younger woman dates an older man for ulterior intentions or because she desires a marriage of convenience. However, categorizing all partnerships with age differences into this group is inappropriate. People usually come together because they love each other.
There are all sorts of reasons why people fall in love. But society likes to typecast the traditional relationship and judge those that don’t fit into that mold. We might want to fit these preferences as being hungry for beauty or wealth but the reality is beyond that. In the end, I would say that one size doesn’t fit all so generalizing our claims would be unfair to the ones in love.
