Aliya Naseer Farooq
‘ Hey, you too have changed so much..’
‘ Yeah, I know. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be..?’
Such queries often leave me irritated and annoyed. My response is met with the same. People change the topic, go to the loo, or generally look nonplussed. I find myself sitting alone on a sofa or with one other person, perhaps, who either does not have their hearing aids on or in the case of a younger person, have their headphones on. Whichever case, I am fine with that. I have found myself alone many times before. It has done me more good than harm. I observe people, places, trees, birds, emotions, actions, and reactions.
I can sit in a chair for hours, staring at the world go by. They may even have a name for this condition as they do for most conditions. For me it is just plain human condition. Spending time on your own is therapeutic. It clears your head and you find embracing yourself letting go of many lingering thoughts and grudges. It rids one of pettiness. Takes your thought process to a higher level and gives you time to mentally organize many pesky issues.
It is not often that I find myself alone. No, not yet, thankfully. I have family around me who have all secretly vowed to keep me sane. Now that they are all grown up, but there were times not so far back when they had all the tools and moves to drive me insane.
I held onto sanity by a thread. When one of them would come down with the mumps, the other one would step on a rusty nail and the third one would choose to set a burning matchstick in a torn tennis ball in a field of dry grass !
Such days had all the makings of lunatic leanings and I found embracing myself leaning precariously, but always pulled away. Not because of my super strong nerves or steel will but because the phone would ring and I’d hear my mother’s voice on the other end.
Immediately, my unseen armour would descend upon my shoulders and I would once again be the daughter ‘she’ had raised and as such had no option to be weak, frazzled. To be her daughter meant no tears, no self pity, no shivers, no nightmares, no ghosts, no bad days. None.
So, the daughter in me took over and said all is well. Saying it for a lifetime makes you believe in it and it works. It worked with me, too. Being in my twenties and thirties helped. It stopped working so well in the forties. As a result, there were hiccups in life’s smooth road.
‘ She is not herself! ‘
This is my new reality but remarks like these hurt, they do. People are either too naive or too cunning when they somehow make it their business to find you at your weakest point and drive that frozen dagger home.
While growing up, I was not coached in the gift of the gab. At home, a certain level of reverence for our elders meant little or no debate. At school I was awkwardly shy. So, later in life, also the words would come out straight from the mind or heart without the essential processing, trimmings or sugar coating. I never learnt the art of stabbing with the ice dagger. One that kills and then disappears. No proof, no evidence.
Life is too short for hypocrisy. Better to say what you feel rather than let it build up like lava inside the volcano which erupts at the weakest point.
I would rather quit the race for which I do not have the requisite gear. A race that cannot be run barefoot. Shedding unnecessary baggage feels great. It comes at a price, like everything else. It relieves you of so many inessentials. It may leave you relatively alone but then you can feel alone in a room full of people and it is not a super feeling.
Learning to live with acceptance, embracing yourself as you are or as you have become, scars and all. Not to be wavered by others’ perception and judgement. Their glasses may be fogged up, you see. Being true to yourself takes courage and confidence but it’s worth it. You are worth it.
You are unique and beautiful. Love embracing yourself, now. Do not hanker after the seventeen year old you. You are so much better. You are evolved, polished, strong, golden you. Choose wisely. Choose life. Choose you!
The writer is a teacher and a writer. She has written columns for English dailies such as ‘The Nation’ and ‘The Frontier Post – Lahore
